Upon Waking

Hello, Faia.

For positives...

You know, from the initial description it sounded like a matrix-type story. However, after reading it (which I'm glad I did), it's a lot better than that.
The story is fresh and creative. Your character is realistic, which is something I have a struggle with.
I love your descriptions. I could visualize the creature in my head clearly; emotions and feelings were portrayed very well.

As for negatives...

Like many people above me pointed out, you need to watch those tenses, making sure to keep them all the same.
Some words could be replaced with more description. Only a couple things, nothing major in that respect.

Overall a great story, definitely worth reading. On to part two.

I have to agree with the other reviews. Lots of the sentences are ordered weirdly and it is rather off putting. Apart from that though, I have to say that the actual plot is brilliant and I would like to read more.

Hi, I'm Ellie, and I'll Be You're Reviewer For Today

Faia Merth wrote:
People say when your about to die, your life flashes before your eyes.

Faia Merth wrote: In my case, that's totally not true.

Faia Merth wrote:All I can see are the small bubbles of air escaping from my lips and speeding up to the surface of the ocean. Fear overcomes me and I fight wildly against the water that was stealing my life from me. Darkness takes over my vision and my lungs convulse painfully. The small remains of life slip through my fingers like smoke.

Faia Merth wrote:speeding up to the surface of the ocean

Faia Merth wrote:The small remains of life slip through my fingers like smoke.

Faia Merth wrote:I knew that I was dead, yet I felt strangely alive. My body was completely numb and weightless, as if I were floating in space.

Faia Merth wrote:My mind is blank. I can’t seem to process any thoughts, can’t seem to remember anything. Focusing all my will and power to my fingers, I try to move them. To feel something.
My fingers feel like they haven’t moved in years, stiff and unfamiliar to me. The tips of them brush something soft and smooth.

Faia Merth wrote:A flat, emotionless voice of a women blasts through my head. “F58, are you able to communicate?”
My eyes slit open groggily. I blinked a few times before I was able to fully open them, which were greeted by a plain white ceiling. Pain shot through my head, making the white ceiling begin to fade, but I force myself to remain conscious. Memories of my life shot through my head at a speed faster than light. Little to late for the “life flashing before the eyes” moment.

Faia Merth wrote: “F58, are you able to communicate?” said the emotionless women again.
I swallowed hard and opened my mouth to speak. “A-am I dead?” My mouth was dry and my tongue heavy.

Faia Merth wrote:“Incorrect answer. Are you able to communicate?”
“Yes,” I reply, preparing myself to sit up. “Am I in a hospital?”
“You are able to remember your dream?” The women’s voice was the same, not even going higher at the end to indicate she had asked a question.
“I don’t recall having any dreams. Am I in a hospital? How did anyone find me? It was the middle of the night and I didn’t scream or anything.”

Faia Merth wrote:I took a deep breath and forced my body up into a sitting position, squeezing my eyes shut from the stiffness and pain. My spine cracked loudly as I slouched over and let the breath I was holding out slowly.

Faia Merth wrote:“Do you have a name?” asked the women.
“Jacqueline Birstmor, but you can just call me Jackie.” I opened my eyes and turned my head slightly to look at the women who I was speaking with and my heart began to pound with horror.

Faia Merth wrote:Her skin was translucent, showing all her veins clearly as if they were blue lines drawn on paper. No hair was to be found on top of her head, just smooth clammy skin. Her features were sharp and defined, skin stretched out over them and looking like it might tear. She had no eyebrows or ears, just holes on the sides of her head. Her lips were slightly more coloured than the rest of her. Her eyes were what horrified me the most though. They had sunk deep into her eye sockets and were pure white, with pinpricks of black pupils.

Faia Merth wrote:My stomach did flips and quickly covered my mouth with my hand so I wouldn’t puke. Swallowing hard, I removed my hand from my mouth and tried to form words. “W-where am I?” My voice shook horribly and I felt sick. Everything felt wrong.
The creature cocked its head and blinked with clear eyelids. I wanted to run. Run as far away from this thing as I could, but something inside of me kept me sitting down and staring at this thing.
“You’re location is within the Dream Lab, Ward 84, room 61.”

Faia Merth wrote:None of this makes any sense. This can’t be happening. This has to be a nightmare of some sort. Yeah, that makes sense. This is just a nightmare. I tore my eyes away from the creature and to my surroundings.
I was in a small plain white room, just fitting the bed that I was on, a small square bedside table and the creature. I was dressed in a loosely fitting white v-neck gown and I checked my hands to see if my skin wasn’t like the creatures, which it wasn’t. It was the tanned skin I remembered having and I still had my short brown hair and ears. I sighed inwardly and prepared myself to look back to the creature, who I noticed this time was holding a clipboard in its spidery hands.

Faia Merth wrote:“What is your time living in years?” asked the creature, its lips barely moving.
“Fifteen. My birthday’s April 13th 2004,” I answered uncertainly, confused by the phrasing of the question. The creatures fingers tapped extremely quickly on the board, its eyes never leaving me.
“Do you have parents?”
What a weird question to ask. “Of coarse I do. They’re names are Dave and Loretta Birstmor. Have they been notified that I’m not actually dead?”
“What continent, country and city do you live in?”
“Um.... North America, Canada, Winnipeg, but I’m on Spring Break so my family and I came here to Newfoundland to visit with my grandparents.”
“How did you wake up?”
I paused, confused. “What? Wake up?”
“Sorry. I must have phrased that incorrectly. You are a fresh child. How did you die?”
I swear my heart must have stopped when the word “die” emerged from the creatures lips. My head began to spin, my stomach churn again and my heart try to break my ribcage. My brain was in absolute shock and I whispered,” I drowned.”

Okay, great! I’m very, very interested so far and it sounds like you’ve got a really fresh, unique idea! This is only your second try at writing? Wow! I’m impressed!! I love your descriptions, you keep them detailed enough to keep us paying attention and engrossed, but not too much so that we end up getting bored or skipping parts of your story. Great job! You have a lovely style.

Here are some little problem things here and there that I noticed:

‘Kay, right off the bat you seem to have some tense problems. Like in the prologue, Jackie goes from ‘all I can see…’, like she’s seeing it right now to ‘was stealing my life’ like she’s telling the story to someone like it happened a little while ago. This happens a lot throughout the story, and I think it’s probably your biggest problem (and it’s fixable, that’s great!). At the beginning it’s all in present tense, but at the end, somehow it switched to past tense. But I think you might know you did that.

Opps, I think my narration changes once or twice sorry about that

I still had my short brown hair and ears

Hello Faia. Love the story, it's increadibly creative. "My head began to spin, my stomach churn again and my heart try to break my ribcage." Part of that sentence doesn't really make sense as it is(the stomach part) it needs some other words in there. Also if you write she feels alive yet at the same time is struggling to feel something, us slow kids might get confused. Chop chop Faia, I want to see those eight reviews you owe the world.

I'm just going to annotate where I have any additional comments. I really enjoyed it btw! I think it's good for your second try at writing.

Faia Merth wrote:My second time trying my hand at writing. It's my very first draft since this idea just hit me last night, and I had a frenzy of getting all my ideas into order and then my night consisted of planning out the plot and piecing everything together. Please enjoy (or maybe you won't enjoy lol)

People say when your it would be you're, which is short for you are where as your is for possession about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. In my case, thats that's for that is thats is the possessive totally not true. All I can see are the small bubbles of air escaping from my lips and speeding up to the surface of the ocean. Fear overcomes maybe overwhelm would be more appropriate? me and I fight wildly against the water that was stealing my life from me. Darkness takes over my vision and my lungs convulse painfully. The small remains of life slip through my fingers like smoke. Good description, not too flowery although it contains personification and metaphors
___________________________________________________________________

I knew that I was dead, yet I felt strangely alive. My body was completely numb and weightless, as if I were floating in space. My mind is blank. Don't switch between tenses! I can’t seem to process any thoughts, can’t seem to remember anything. Focusing all my will and power to my fingers, I try to move them. To feel something.
My fingers feel like they haven’t moved in years, stiff and unfamiliar to me. The tips of them brush something soft and smooth.
A flat, emotionless voice of a women blasts through my head. “F58, are you able to communicate?”
My eyes slit flicker? open groggily. I blinked a few times before I was able to fully open them, which were greeted by a plain white ceiling. Pain shot through my head, making the white ceiling begin to fade, but I force myself to remain conscious. Memories of my life shot through my head don't repeat this phrase since you used it in your last sentence! Perhaps 'whipped through my mind'? at a speed faster than light. Little to too late for the “life flashing before the eyes” moment.
“F58, are you able to communicate?” said the emotionless women again. monotonous voice?
I swallowed hard and opened my mouth to speak. “A-am I dead?” My mouth was dry and my tongue heavy.
“Incorrect answer. Are you able to communicate?”
“Yes,” I reply, preparing myself to sit up. “Am I in a hospital?”
“You are able to remember your dream?” The women’s voice was the same, not even going higher at the end to indicate she had asked a question.
“I don’t recall having any dreams. Am I in a hospital? How did anyone find me? It was the middle of the night and I didn’t scream or anything.”
I took a deep breath and forced my body up into a sitting position, squeezing my eyes shut from the stiffness and pain. My spine cracked loudly as I slouched over and let the breath I was holding out slowly.
“Do you have a name?” asked the women.
“Jacqueline Birstmor, but you can just call me Jackie.” I opened my eyes and turned my head slightly to look at the women who I was speaking with and my heart began to pound with horror.
Her skin was translucent, showing all her veins clearly as if they were blue lines drawn on paper. No hair was to be found on top of her head, just smooth clammy skin. Her features were sharp and defined, skin stretched out over them and looking like it might tear. She had no eyebrows or ears, just holes on the sides of her head. Her lips were slightly more coloured than the rest of her. Her eyes were what horrified me the most though. They had sunk deep into her eye sockets and were pure white, with pinpricks of black pupils. wow! I love this description! [:
My stomach did flips and quickly covered my mouth with my hand so I wouldn’t puke. Swallowing hard, I removed my hand from my mouth and tried to form words. “W-where am I?” My voice shook horribly and I felt sick. Everything felt wrong.
The creature cocked its head and blinked with clear eyelids. I wanted to run. Run as far away from this thing as I could, but something inside of me kept me sitting down and staring at this thing.
“You’re location is within the Dream Lab, Ward 84, room 61.”
None of this makes any sense. This can’t be happening. This has to be a nightmare of some sort. Yeah, that makes sense. This is just a nightmare. I tore my eyes away from the creature and to my surroundings.
I was in a small plain white room, just fitting the bed that I was on, a small square bedside table and the creature. I was dressed in a loosely fitting white v-neck gown and I checked my hands to see if my skin wasn’t like the creatures, which it wasn’t. It was the tanned skin I remembered having and I still had my short brown hair and ears. I sighed inwardly and prepared myself to look back to the creature, who I noticed this time was holding a clipboard in its spidery hands.
“What is your time living in years?” asked the creature, its lips barely moving.
“Fifteen. My birthday’s April 13th 2004,” I answered uncertainly, confused by the phrasing of the question. The creatures fingers tapped extremely quickly on the board, its eyes never leaving me.
“Do you have parents?”
What a weird question to ask. “Of coarse course I do. They’re names are Dave and Loretta Birstmor. Have they been notified that I’m not actually dead?”
“What continent, country and city do you live in?”
“Um.... North America, Canada, Winnipeg, but I’m on Spring Break so my family and I came here to Newfoundland to visit with my grandparents.”
“How did you wake up?”
I paused, confused. “What? Wake up?”
“Sorry. I must have phrased that incorrectly. You are a fresh child. How did you die?”
I swear my heart must have stopped when the word “die” emerged from the creatures lips. My head began to spin, my stomach churn again and my heart try to break my ribcage. My brain was in absolute shock and I whispered,” I drowned.” I love the suspense you created using the description in this last bit. A little can go a long way.




--- Opps, I think my narration changes once or twice sorry about that ---

Hi Faia! I'm here to review your work.

The story itself and the plot is very good. you express your characters emotions really well which iss one thing i sometimes have problems with. However, some of your sentences are ordered weirdly and don't make sense. i know it's boring and dull but if you read through it out loud, it's really easy to spot your mistakes. please do read it over because your story is really goo d and had me hooked but the little mistakes drew my attention away from the plot. all in all your story is excellent and has potential. please PM me when you post more as i would like to read it.

Afeefah